do heal, beautifully, ira

 

Tarbiyah ira 24/4/2024

"if awak nak stay terengganu, awak kena jaga kesihatan awak, badan ni amanah"- ira's precious murabbi
"maksud akak? akak nak hantar ira balik  kea?"
"if akak nak hantar awak balik , akak tak ada kat sini teman awak kat hospital and trying to help you to heal, dia akan tgk pada keputusan syuro juga in 2 years"- ira's murabbi yg sgt sabar dgn ira
"if dalam 2 tahun , ira still mcm ni, ira tak nak balik , akak masukkan jea ira dalam mana ii hospital sakit jiwa"
"tak, tapi means awak kena usaha untuk jaga kesihatan awak"
"ira bagitau jea, if"
"okay akak noted"

kisah perbualan ira and her murabbi

(siapa ira= rahsia)

that perbualan short, hurts and I learnt a lot
hee senannya penat sgtt
tpi nakk tulis juga apa hana rasaa dari kisah perbualan ira dan murabbinya

ibu ayah ira cerai masa ira kecik, and ibu ira agak tak sihat waktu tu, ira rapat dgn ayah, and arwah nenek dgn atok baik jea, cuma agak garang dan mungkin hana terlalu fokus kat ayah sampai tak dapat rapat sgt dgn nenek and atok, tpi nenek and atok, cares about ira a lot , so much.

so sbb ibu dgn ayah cerai, ayah tinggal negeri lain, ira tinggal negeri lain

ira tak rapat dgn sesiapa waktu tu kecuali ayah

masa kecik ii ayah ira ziarah hampir setiap bulan

bila dah start sekolah, ayah ira ziarah masa hujung cuti sekolah

and setiap hujung tahun cuti sekolah ayah akan datang, bawa pergi rumah ayah or nenek belah ayah ira selama seminggu atau dua minggu

then ayah hantar ira balik melaka

so setiap bulan, atau setiap hujung tahun, ira akan lalui satu kesakitan ni

"ditinggalkan"
kat rumah ira sunyi

and tak kirala ira nangis atau merayu macam mana pun , atau nangis berhari-hari, berminggu-minggu, ayah ira tetap akan hantar ira balik melaka

ira pernah cuba keluar kereta ayah masa ayah tgh bawak kereta, masa ira sekolah rendah, sbb ayah ira tipu, ayah kata ayah tak  hantar ira balik ,tapi ayah hantar

then it ends with, ayah hantar and tinggalkan ira, tak kita ira nangis atau terpekik, terlolong mcm mana pun
then keluarga belah ibu pula marah , sbb sygkan ayah and nangis smpai mcm tu, sdgkan nenek dgn atok yg jaga ira

tpi diorang tak ada pun bila ira sunyi, diorang tak ada pun bila ira sedih

as time goes by

masa sekolah rendah juga, ayah ira ada keluarga baru, ira still jumpa ayah ira, tpi things changes,  sbb selalu tak jumpa mungkin, ira dah tak rapat and selesa dgn ayah ira mcm masa ira kecik dah

so tak rapat dgn ibu, ayah, nenek, atok, adik ii

Ira wrote this

I miss how it feels to be loved by parents

I knew they loved me

but not in the way I want..

I didn't feel safe with them

I didn't feel like I am being cared or loved by them

I didn't feel like I can depends on them when I have a problem

I have them as my parents

But deep down I felt like I have no parents

I knew they have their own reasons, or own weakness, or their own problems, I even knew my mother have a problem with her mental health

and I knew I am not a good daughter either

so when I see my usratis, or my friends, they have a parents that they can depend on or to talk to

it hurts me.

and they said, abandonment trauma when childhood, will make someone has a problem with self-worth, tend to feel worthless

 maybe because of that, sometimes I am an attention seeker without sedar when I am at ri?

whatever it is

this is one of my deep down wound

i'm still hurted by my family though

and akhirnya kisah perbualan ira dan murabbinya, and kisah keluarga ira , it teaches me this

oh , at the end everyone will leave me, no one can stay until the end with me, no one I can depend on, no one can loved me the way I wanted until the end, no one 

and I realized

at the end only Allah do

I realized, only Allah can loved me the way I wanted, only Allah I can always depend on, only Allah will never leave me until the end, even when I left Allah, He always keeps calling me back to Him again. didn't give up of me, even when I did something that "hurts perasaan dan hati" Allah, even when He saw my worst, only Him will always be there, and only Him will always loved me the way I wanted, and actually His love is more than what I wanted or can imagine

I wanted to be loved

and I am loved

by my Rabbi and my Ilahi..

my Allah

2:216

I trust Allah's plans..
because Rabb yg tak tinggalkan hana even when He saw me at my worst, even when I did something that "hurts perasaan dan hati" Allah. He's there.

also for ira, maybe you are hoping to be born in a better and full with loved family.

but , Allah's plan for you is the best for you,

do not be sad, do not be weak, you may not see the hikmah for now..

but if you want you can ask Allah the hikmah at akhirat kelak okay?

trust Allah, okay ira?

with love and prayers , hana, do heal beautifully, ira - hana